How to Stay Loyal to Your Woman - 6 steps to resilient sexual-spiritual risk mitigation

By Jonathan Roseland

Why you must master your mind, committed man.

There's this misguided romantic notion of a man at war with himself  -  a man who finds himself often in the cratered and barbwire-strewn no man's land between high-minded principles, commitments made, and his impulses and baser drives. Our culture sees fit to elevate these men to great heights  -  think of the latest celebrity or politician to get caught in some sordid affair that totally undermines something they latterly espoused with great certainty to raucous applause.

But, this article is not about the endemic betrayal and duplicity of our leaders and icons  -  it's about risk mitigation in your most important relationship, committed man. It's about choosing the ounce of prevention every day instead of desperately needing a ton of cure one day. It's about making damn sure that you don't get a torpedo shot down your most vulnerable thermal exhaust port. When it comes to your monogamous commitment to your woman, be master and supreme commander of your mind, not an indecisive general manager that allows the bushfires of revolution to spread.

I'll suggest something unstylish…

If you've selected and committed to a woman, in your mind elevate her as the sole sexual object of your desire in the universe.

MenuGoing into my marriage with a beautiful Bulgarian girl, my hazardous mindset on commitment was "You're allowed to look at the menu, just don't order anything." Which I imagine is terribly common; it's OK to enjoy the beauty of women other than your woman - just don't take action. Look but don't touch. Whether it's on the internet, on television, at the gym, or in public you're not cheating, merely enjoying the beauty of other women and then fantasizing about them - going as far as pleasuring yourself to their images, pixelated or imagined. This is an understandable attitude to have...

  • Thought is morally neutral. Thinking about killing your boss is not wrong. Actually beating the life out of him with a hammer, is very wrong. Yes, action often flows from thought, but what makes us human is that we're able to exercise volition over which of our thoughts and impulses we act out.
  • When it comes to our own thoughts and fantasies, we're all very libertarian and laissez-faire- I can fantasize about whatever - I'm not hurting anyone.
  • We've all been on the receiving end of a tremendous amount of mainstream/pop culture propaganda encouraging us to just do what feels good. And indulging that natural male desire for visual novelty with women feels good.

Yet I'll explain why it's such a dangerous and toxic mindset, easier to correct than you might expect, and the significant benefits of leaving it behind...

Catastrophe awaits the man "at war with himself"

This mindset cost me dearly in stress, drama, domestic tranquility, and time - from my article, I forgot what D’Artagnan taught me and got my dick BURNED by a LASER...

Going into the marriage I was certain of one thing; I would not have an affair. I would never be a cheater. And I've held to that, in fact, we've structured our life together in such a way as to avoid all temptation and opportunity to cheat. We both work from home and we only socialize together. I follow Mike Pence's rule: no "business dinners" with women without my wife there.

But, I held onto a promiscuous mindset; that I, as a man, needed to observe the beauty of different women. As a result, I enjoyed porn infrequently and would ogle the slutty photos that are unavoidable on social media. "I'm just giving myself a little visual variety," I told myself. I justified my behavior; my snooping around on the internet was a "preventative measure" - if I felt the desire to cheat, I'd relieve myself with images of other women. I never did feel the desire to cheat and, of course, my wife eventually found what I was looking at in my browser history...

I had explained to her in vague terms that I might use porn to satisfy my desire for visual novelty, but when she found the porn it enraged her and broke her heart. To me, it was just mindless "internet entertainment," but to her, it was a betrayal. When we dated and before we married we discussed what constituted cheating for us, we both agreed it was NOT cheating to observe and quietly appreciate (for a moment) the beauty of a stranger of the opposite sex passing on the street. I took this as my "hall pass" to indulge in a little porn use. With the clarity of hindsight, my porn use was a betrayal of the spirit of our marriage and commitment to forsake all others. And it had a dire effect on my wife's self-esteem and our marital tranquility for months.

Step 1: Quit porn - if you're using porn (even infrequently) or the lesser forms of porn (ogling scantily-clad skanks on Instagram, binge-watching hip-hop music videos, etc) that abound on our glowing screens, you're a man at war with himself. How does this time-wasting viewing align with the noble commitments you once made? Your woman cannot be the sole sexual object of your desire if you spend really any time at all entranced by the simulacrums of beauty that beckon relentlessly from the internet. In fact, you rob from the real beauty of your woman, beauty that you can hold in your very hands, by filling your mind with filtered, photoshopped, and airbrushed images that you'll inevitably compare with her. You'll be struck by the depth and completeness of your woman's beauty when that beauty stands alone in your mind. Yes, when you give up porn and do your damnedest to avoid being spellbound by all the imagery tempting your click or gaze, your woman will become sexier to you and your desire for her will multiply.

Porn vs real sex

Obviously, this is easier said than done - but less hard to do than you might think if you put your mind to it. Porn is awfully addictive; install porn blockers on all your devices now, consider hiring an accountability coach (like me), and you'll want to stack multiple lifehacking strategies for discipline so you can stick to your no fapping commitment, which I describe in this documentary for men...

Step 2: Avoid and Reframe Temptation - With porn exorcised from your life, you'll discover and plant your flag on a bountiful new continent of beauty, connection, and intimacy with your woman. But, the next step is avoiding the infection of your mind by sexualized imagery, it's impossible to avoid it altogether, but you can commit to not dwelling on it. When a sexy image catches your eye on social media, keep scrolling, unfollow the profile, or hit that "I'm not interested in this" button. I highly recommend going through your social media and doing some unfollowing. Staying consistent with this - not getting drawn into "thirst traps" - it does get easier to just scroll past tempting imagery. I use social media daily and I do encounter temptation occasionally but I now effortlessly navigate away from it and forget it - here's how...

Risk warningI began reframing, in my mind, tempting sexy content as not "bad, wrong, or evil" but as "costly outsized risk." I'd glimpse a sexy thumbnail image on the Youtube homepage and I'd think to myself quietly, THERE is a costly risk. I might get a tiny amount of pleasure from clicking and viewing more but my wife might walk in on me, see it, and that would set our marital tranquility back significantly. The ensuing arguments, discord, and necessary rebuilding of trust make that click just not worth the risk. It's like speeding in a school zone, you might get where you're going a little faster, but if you get caught the cost is tremendous.

Rapid mindset transformation

Creative lightbulb smart mind 350I know what you might be saying at this point...

Jonathan, it's great that you somehow managed to stop looking at other women and make your wife the only sexual object in your world BUT it's just my male nature to desire visual novelty with women. I've always been this way. The best I think I can do is not actually cheating on my woman...

I can't tell you how many times I thought the same thing about myself! It was my mindset even going into my marriage. Yet, I managed to change it and it didn't take years of wrestling with my primal instincts. If you're willing to get out of your comfort zone and employ the right tools and strategies it's easier than you might think...

Step 3: Employ transformative meditation - Behavior and action transform mindset, but mindset also transforms behavior. Meditation practice fortifies self-control but it can also be used to bring about a core-level identity shift, in as little as 50 minutes. To explain, I'll quote from my book for men...

Don't Stick Your Dick in a BlenderAction and experience is one way to reprogram mindset, another is with mindfulness. I’ve been an avid meditator for over five years now and have tried almost all of the different methods and techniques. Almost all of them are helpful, but they take time, as in months or years to change you. But there’s one method that doesn’t, it very noticeably (for me and a lot of people), changes your mindset in as little as 50 minutes. Dr. Joe Dispenza developed, using very sophisticated biofeedback tech - a meditation method that transforms your mindset at an epigenetic level. He has a guided meditation track that takes the better part of an hour to get through that brings you through this exhilarating visualization process where you replace a limiting belief with an empowering one. You will emerge from it feeling, thinking, and acting a little differently. I know this might sound like a bullshit wu-wu thing, but it has helped me to address some lingering limiting beliefs and it imbues a sense of positivity, along with some wind in the sails.

After giving up porn, I wanted to totally free myself from any desire for women other than the one who bore my last name. So I did the epigenetic mindset transformation meditation a few times replacing the old belief "I need visual novelty with beautiful women" with a new belief "I need and want only my beautiful wife." And the belief stuck. That desire for novelty just went into a black hole, like Bitcoin that gets sent to the wrong wallet address - irretrievably gone! And I'm also freed of FOMO (fear of missing out), I spend zero time feeling that I've sacrificed something fun.

energy drink 350Step 4: Stack self-control lifehacks - The guided epigenetic mindset transformation is well-worth trying, but I can't guarantee you'll experience the same rapid transformation from it. If you're serious about this you should stack as many self-control lifehacks as you can...

  • Exercise and fitness
  • Take cold showers
  • Fasting
  • Habit tracking and accountability
  • Spiritual practice
  • Brain training
  • Nootropics or smart drugs

There's abundant evidence, much of which I reference here, that these things strengthen discipline and resolve. Try them and you'll experience it for yourself.

Every once in a while, something will remind me of a porn scene I used to watch or a woman I seduced years ago, and a quantum of temptation will arise but it's like brushing a bug off my sleeve. I simply replace whatever scene my unconscious has dragged out of deep storage with a more recent and vivid memory of the hot sex I have regularly with my wife.

What's in it for you

Ask questionYou may now be thinking...

This all sounds like quite the sacrifice. You're suggesting giving up enjoying looking at and even fantasizing about other women. What's in this for me? I can see how it might make my woman feel better. But what do I get out of it?

Beyond simply being the right thing to do, the benefits to you are profound, subtle, and practical...

First, of all, a well-deserved sense of pride and accomplishment - a liberating lack of shame and guilt. If your loyalty to your woman governs even your private fantasies, you've mastered your mind in a way that vanishingly few men ever do.

Second, you made a serious commitment to this woman - perhaps before God, in a holy place, with friends and family on-looking - when you betray that commitment, even in your mind, you signal to your unconscious that you're just not that serious about commitments. You're like the weak, liberal city mayor that Tweets meaningless platitudes while anarchists and rioters raze the metropolis. You encourage rebellion. When you hold to the most serious commitment you've made in the soberest of state you'll find yourself being just a bit more disciplined with all the other commitments and intentions you make. It will become just a little easier to stick to your diet, make it to the gym, advance your career, and moderate your vices.

pained womanThird, you'd probably fight five street thugs if that's what it took to protect your woman from injury and pain. You should have a natural instinct to shield her from pain. Yet, your harmless-seeming-to-you mental non-commitment can deeply wound her. Women often experience crushing betrayal trauma after discovering their partners' porn stashes; this might be "just in her head" but it can manifest as mental health disorders, months of bad sleep, body dysmorphia, weight gain, depression, and chronic physical pain that your doctor would just love to treat with toxic pharmaceutical drugs. The cheap thrill you get from fake women on the internet is NOT worth the very real and persisting pain your woman will suffer.

Fourththe upside is the lack of downside. What might result from your ongoing mental non-commitment to your woman? Might you relapse into porn addiction? Might you have an affair? Might she refuse you sex for weeks if she catches you doing something you shouldn't be doing? Might she divorce you, subjecting you to the tyranny of the man-hating family court system for years? Mitigating risk is its own reward.

Man woman talkingFinally, you get negotiating leverage in your relationship to get your woman to do more of the kinds of things you want her to do. As in business, in marriage and in long-term relationships you get what you want by negotiating adroitly. The commitment to being loyal to her in your private thoughts can serve as a subtle yet meaningful strategic concession - you're giving her something she wants which guarantees nothing but engenders significant goodwill. Has she caught you looking at porn or peeking at other women on social media? She's going to be very happy when you announce that you're committed to giving it up and going to do your damnedest to not even fantasize about other women. Don't underestimate how valuable this might be to your woman. Now I know what you might be thinking...

Telling my woman that I'm commiting to only her in my private fantasies wouldn't be much of a "strategic concession" because that's what she expects of me. I don't think she would reward it.

Well, this strategic concession is going to come with a daily practice which she will love and it will multiply its value to her dramatically. I'll explain that shortly, but first I should clarify how NOT to make this strategic concession. Don't tell her...

Babe, I'm going to stop fantasizing about other women. It's going to be VERY hard for me but I think I can do it. So I was thinking that you could start cooking nice dinners nightly instead of always ordering delivery...

You don't want to make this an explicit quid pro quo - offer it as a gift, this is step 5 and I'd approach it more like this...

GiftI love and trust you. And we should be able to be honest with each other - even about things that we're not proud of. So I'm going to share something I'm working on with you. I hope you can be supportive and not too judgemental...
On the internet, on television, and in ads we constantly get bombarded by images of sexy women. And as man, these images sometimes get stuck in my head, even though I know that they are photoshopped, airbrushed, filtered - so far from being real beauty, like you. So to take my commitment to you to the next level, I'm going to elevate you in my mind as the sole sexual object in my world, the only one I fantasize about. The only one I truly have eyes for... 
I think it will have a positive effect on the love and intimacy we share. 
This is going to be a challenge for me because there's just so much "fake beauty" that gets shoved in our faces, but I think I can do it. Would that be meaningful to you?

Then don't make any immediate demands. If you've chosen your woman well, she will start thinking about what she can do that you might like. But you may be thinking...

I like this idea of mastering my mind and fantasies, but I'm very hesitant about having "a talk" about it with my woman because I've already told her I DON'T ever look at or fantasize about other women...

Well, you screwed up by not being honest earlier with her, I'm sure it was a lot easier to just tell her what she wanted to hear. So you should basically admit to her that you were lying previously and she may be upset, but ultimately admitting a lie remorsefully is dramatically better than perpetuating it and eventually being found out. In fact, it may be the opportunity to demolish a shoddy foundational cornerstone of your relationship and replace it with something more concrete - a commitment to honesty. What you might also want to do is NOT be like the alcoholic that announces to his family on Jan 1st that he's quitting alcohol forever. Work on mastering your mind and fantasies quietly and privately, after a month or however long it takes for you to get a little better at this, then talk to her about it. 

You find yourself choosing between a little pain now or a lot of pain later. You admit to her now that you do sometimes think about other women but are determined to change that and she may be hurt, but she'll be a lot more forgiving than if she discovers your secret stash of porn or shameful OnlyFans membership - which she almost certainly will eventually. Rebuilding trust will be a lot easier when you make this admission, especially when followed up with the final step...

Daily validation

man woman embracing cuddling 350As with any mindset shift, it's crucial that this one comes with action; the impactful daily habit of validating your woman verbally, step 6. What I do with Mrs. Roseland after dinner every evening is we cuddle up on the couch (I have her lie down, resting her head on my lap - to ritualize it a bit) and I spend a few minutes telling her things like...

You're the only one I have eyes for...
You're the only one I want.
You're enough for me.
I fantasize about you and only you.
Nobody I've known in the past and no "fake beauty" I've ever seen on the internet measures up to you.
It's your body that turns me on - describing her body.
You're the most beautiful girl in the world to me (she is!)
You get ALL my sexual energy - it's focused like a laser on you.
To me, you're the only sexual object in the universe.

Your beauty moves me and arouses me every day; when I see you first thing in the morning, when you're dressed up, when you're just doing things around the house, and especially when you come out of the shower all wet!
Today I fantasized about making love to you; taking your clothes off, kissing you all over, lying you down, and banging you in various positions...
I'll describe a recent time we made love and just how sexy it was for me. And I'll describe how hotly I anticipate making love to her again soon.

Spend 5-10 minutes telling her just how she turns you on and that she's the only one you want, mustering all the romantic prose you can.

  • She will love this daily practice of validation and it will do a lot for her self-esteem. It will spiritually and sexually inspire her to fully embrace her femininity.
  • It will cost you very little in terms of time and creative effort but will mean the world to her, engendering significant goodwill.
  • This practice cements daily your commitment to mastering your mind.
  • I would strongly suggest doing this in person as opposed to on the phone or via messenger.
  • Conclude the daily validation by giving her a big kiss.

Committed man

Having read this I hope you are resolved to master your mind and give up the time-wasting, distracting, risky, and juvenile pastimes of masturbating to, ogling, and fantasizing about other women - which is utterly disrespectful to the commitment you've made and the woman you've chosen. It's easier to do than you might think, employing the tools described here, and the rewards it yields will surprise you.


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How to Stay Loyal to Your Woman - 6 steps to resilient sexual-spiritual risk mitigation

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